Wednesday, December 15, 2010


one year of pre-school............check
one year of kindergarden..........check
eight years of grade school........check
four years of high school.........check
four and a half years of college.............CHECK!

yep, I'm done... well at least for now.
adult life... here I come. kinda nervous.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Time and Seasons to Live By

I believe the author of Ecclesiastes to be right-on with his assessment of our days here on earth: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. We can count on experiencing breakneck joys as well as abysmal defeats. And in spite of all the ups and downs, God is making everything beautiful in its time. The grim stickiness, the author of Ecclesiastes points out, is that we don't always know what God is doing from beginning to end. When I read that He just might be making some beauty out of my life, well, that is extremely good news. My life is a collection of all kinds of strange raw material that often makes little sense to me in the moment. Shame haunts me. Financial woes impede my mind. Worry keeps me company pretty much around the clock. If the author of Ecclesiastes is right, as I believe he is, then God is at work, even now, creating and recreating an enduring piece of art from my little, broken-down, saturated life. For the past couple of months I have devoted posts to these verses in Ecclesiastes, hope you enjoy.

time for WAR and a time for PEACE

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time for war and a time for peace.
The war that I'm fighting is the epic battle of myself against myself -- a bruising, losing sort of war (as all war is) that I can't seem to shake loose from.
Finding peace to this war comes by raising my flag, daily. surrendering to the mindless battles. yielding to the only One who can crush the bullet.

Cup of Chai

Learning to let go, of what I cant control.
Im haging on to what I know.
Its a cup of chai that awakes me from my sleep.
Its your hand in mine that makes me want to dream.
Hours of looking at the end,
just trying to figure out just where to go.
Still knowing its not in my control.
I wont worry about time,
because time isnt worried about me.
So make the most of what you got,
take it in, take the shot.
Dont ask me, ask your self,
what's that hanging on your shelf,
is it possibility?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

To Love is to be Vulnerable

time to LOVE and a time to HATE

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to love and a time to hate.
Truly letting someone in entirely and enduring their desire to love you, knowing they will love so imperfectly, is really very difficult. God calls us to love the person, and hate the difficulty.

time to be SILENT and a time to SPEAK

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to be silent and a time to speak.

Sometimes I feel like remaining quiet is easier for me. My fear is that I'll spend my time managing and apologizing for the words that come out. My fear is that when my mouth opens all the focus will be in my own inadequancies and failings. So I wish to choose my words carefully...

a time to TEAR and a time to MEND

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to tear

and a time to mend.

Putting things back together are never easy; thats why mending is such a sacred act...

time to HOLD ON and a time to LET GO

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to hold on and a time to let go.
Sometimes holding on is about believing, and enduring. A few things are worth holding on to no matter what is required- a dream, a relationship, faith. The hard part is, sometimes you can't see, or touch, or feel the dream, or the person, or God, and you have to believe anyway.
There are some things that happen in life that are difficult. And, as if you were setting a boat out to sea, you have to take those things and let them go, let them float out and away. And only God can help us do that.

If your like me, the most difficult thing to figure out, is when and what. When should I hold on, and when should I let go. What should I hold on to, and what should I let go of.
I do know that the thing I should hold on to most, is the fact that God will always make everything beautiful in its time. And I can let go of everything that makes me believe otherwise.
Book to consider reading: Holding on and Letting Go, by Chris Leonard.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

time to SEARCH and a time to QUIT SEARCHING

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to search and a time to quit searching.
In September I realized that I was spending large amounts of time on a search for something-- love, worth, affirmation, acceptance-- only to discover that I'd been searching in all the wrong places. My own efforts left me circling, looking for life on my own terms, when what I really needed to do was quit searching for a loophole or an exception or my own way.
Sometimes we look to another person to provide things they cannot ultimately provide for us-- validation of our worth or identity. But if we would just quit searching for the things that satisfy us on earth and truly search and seek out the only one who provide everything for us, our treasures will be stored in heaven. For eternity. So much more worth in that.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

time to EMBRACE and a time to TURN AWAY

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to embrace and a time to turn away.
I often wonder where God is, what He is up to, how He's moving, and when His plan will unfold.
The time is now to:
Embracing His plans.
Turn away from mine.
Life is unfolding. My eyes just need to adjust to see that the plans He has for me are greater.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I Always Will

This woman is awesome, and I really just love the lyrics to this song.
It was originally done by Joy Williams with different lyrics the song
is called Poison and Wine.
I like this version much better.
I just love you, and I always will, Lord.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Love Hurts Sometimes

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”– Mother Teresa
I’m not really a fan of the idea that love hurts. Who is?
But if you and I are two broken, imperfect people trying to love each other, then there is bound to be hurt. You might even be able to say that there is no real love without hurt, because to love means to be vulnerable and open to hurt. And because I’m really a mess, and don’t have it all together… when someone is vulnerable, I’ll probably end up doing something hurtful. Eventually..
Wish it weren’t true, but it is.

So why do we keep loving?
Well, because we’re made to...maybe. Because we’re desperate for it... maybe. Because we think we should...maybe. Because it’s worth it. yah, I’m pretty sure it’s worth it.
We love through hurt and unfaithfulness and tears because of 1 John and 1 Corinthians 13…
we LOVE because He first LOVED us. He loves with the only perfect kind of love. An unfailing love. A love we will never be able to express.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

How Many Kings

How many Gods have poured out their hearts,
To romance a world that has torn all apart?

If this isn't love in its truest form, then I don't know what is.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

time to SCATTER STONES and a time to GATHER them

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven

There is a time to scatter stones and there is a time to gather them.

When something really profound happened in the Old Testament, during the children-of -Israel-wandering times, the Israelites memorialized events by gathering stones. They called them "stones of remembrance," a reminder of the greatness of the great event. The point of these stones was to commemorate what God had done - rescued them from impending destruction, mounting stupidity, wrong turns, and other general lapses in judgment. I assume this practice was necessary because they, like me, were quick to forget what was really important.

In one mind blowing example, God altered the flow of the Jordan River so His people could cross safely. Joshua ordered twelve men to each gather one stone from the riverbed and place all of them together to serve as a sign, a memorial, that God had intervened against all odds.
I have a hunch that the practice of gathering and stacking stones was as much about the children of Israel as it was about God. These stones were reminders to wake up and see what is possible in the world, to notice the miracles, to even participate in a miraculous event now and them - to stop worrying and making excuses and apologizing and "should of" -ing and instead simply believe. Step into the current and see what happens. Get your feet wet instead of paralytically wondering how cold the water might feel or how strong the pull might be or how on earth you're going to explain the miraculous occasion you were apart of.

The point, I believe is that in the act of scattering my stones, in stripping all the way down to my true self and listening and looking for God, I am able to see the few, tiny stones - some slivered chips and pebbles and rocks - gathered and stacked so that I will never forget.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

time to MOURN and a time to DANCE

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Pain, like no other place perhaps, is where our stories are written, where our art is born, our canvases brushed, our memories composed. Though we so often want to deny the discomfort, suffering is one of the few things that can lead us to the place where we find the God we so desperately long for. In this place of mourning, in our walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He is with us.
In our greatest need, he sees us. When we make it through this valley, when we find hope and comfort, we can finally dance. In this spacious place, so wide open you can't help but be wild and free knowing you made it through. Knowing the Lord has brought you out of this mourning, into dancing.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

time to WEEP and a time to LAUGH

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to weep and a time to laugh.
There are rare and sacred moments when the most organic gift appears, and though it may leave as quickly as it comes, it can interrupt the darkness all around. The world may seemingly be falling apart between us, we as friends may be at war even, but the sound of laughter can be heard from one small corner as it spills out and fills in the deepest grooves of sadness within us.
We wept in silence, shed tears in conversations, and fell so far apart. Through our personal, particular, and often lonely journey the one thing that allowed us to come back into agreement, was laughter. It didn’t have to be the joke told, or the funny memory shared. What brought us back together was the sound; the harmonious chuckle that dried our sorrows, worries, and cares. Weeping brought us to our knees, and laughter picked us up.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

time to BREAK DOWN and a time to BUILD UP

Ecc. 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to break down and a time to build up.
"If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad.” Ruth Stull
What if we decided to be broken... imperfect... vulnerable... So that through the cracks of the busted clay pot, God's grace was able to mend and seap through? What if we allowed others to see our cracks, and as well, allowed them to see where God was able to piece us back together?
I believe that God is taking all of our lives... the glorious and the gutless, the grief and gains... and piecing them together like a collage so that when finished, something extraordinary will emerge.
As God continues to put me back together, to build me up. I stumble on pieces of myself that had been long lost and now able to be shared. If I were always whole, always perfect, always satisfied, then how could I be used? How could my pieces help and feed others in need?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

time to KILL and a time to HEAL

Ecc. 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to kill and a time to heal.
Killing fear is not an easy task to accomplish. Killing anything in your life that holds you back, that takes you captive, that blinds you from the true reality of who you are can be daunting chores. And of course a chore cannot be achieved without taking a risk.
In my own life a risk killed fear's power, and I was, for one brief second... brave.
The voices of fear began clamoring once again, and I knew the only way to silence them was to do the very thing I wanted to avoid... believe that I needed healing.

In the process of killing, healing needs to obtain its course as well.
Realizing that we are stained with dirt and taking the risk to push through the dirt becomes the first step to seeing the beauty God created. Beauty posseses great power to heal.
The beauty was lost to be, and all the things I loved were forgotten in lieu of all the things I thought I needed to be. In order for me to kill the fear that had be packed into my life, I needed to dig deep and heal. For the risk was much easier to take, knowing nothing was holding me back.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

time to PLANT and a time to UPROOT

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to plant and a time to uproot.
Planting and growing may take time; of course a tree cannot grow over night. But no matter what life may bring, growth can still take its course. Even in the most deperate places, even in the most desolate deserts, even in the most foriegn soils, something beautiful can and will grow. Uprooting comes when change occurs. When planting is all but a reminiscence. When the foriegn soils become familiar and then God decides, in His timing, that the soil is looking all too proverbial for you.
Planting and uprooting are the unexpected elements in our mysterious collage. The layers of soil and roots that compact our lives.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

time to be BORN and time to DIE

Ecc 3: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.

There is a time to be born and a time to die.
That is the great art of life, a mysterious collage of unexpected elements that take place between the beginnings and endings. Even today, we are putting down our layers, one right after another, creating and recreating ourselves. Our God is making everything beautiful in its time. While we wait, we must breath and heal and grieve and become. We don't see the beauty immediately, but as we look back, we find the art in and through it all.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Eloquence of Love

I am inspired by sweet melodies. Inspired by the kindness in people. Inspired by the beauty of nature. Inspired by rich words in an ancient book. I am inspired by the eloquence of love. I am inspired to be something or do something bigger than myself. We can all be inspired, either for good or for evil; and depending on that, we can inspire someone else. I’ve been inspired by all these things in my life. I think the most important one or the one in which has truly been pressed upon my heart lately is the eloquence of love. Because if I speak with human articulacy and angelic ecstasy but do not love, I’m nothing but the creaking of an old gate. If I speak God’s word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith to move a mountain, but I do not love, then I’m nothing. If I give everything to the poor and even go to the sake of being burned as a martyr, but do not love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m lost without love.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Mortal Thoughts of God

It is undoubtedly difficult to analyze character. The personality is one undivided whole. In analyzing, therefore, we are apt to lose the whole in its parts. The difficulty is especially acute when we seek to define the character of God. It is not that He merely transcends our petty attempts to measure His greatness. But in our analysis we incur the danger of setting the Devine Nature before our minds as a series of lifeless attributes, with which the soul can enjoy no real fellowship. We dwell indeed, on aspects of the Divine character. But these are never abstracted from the fullness of His personality. It is the living God Himself, and not His mere attributes, that fill our spiritual horizon. For, unlike the gods of the nations, who are too often bundles of moral contradiction, Jahweh is a self-consistent personality, true to Himself and the moral principles by which He orders the Universe. This ethical unity of Divine character receives just emphasis in the Psalms. Our God is true. The root quality of His being is truth, and consistency. And one manifestation of His truth is righteousness, or unwavering commitment to that which is straightforward, upright, and honorable. This harmony of truth and righteousness is equally involved in the idea of God’s perfection. The law and ways of God are perfect, and complete. And with God perfection is no superficial appearance. His word is pure, sincere, true to the inmost heart. Let us not forget how vast God’s personality is. He cannot simply be contained in our imperfect minds. A God robbed of all majestic traits and spiritualized into a pure passionless being, would be hollow, empty, and poor, an abstraction that simple souls could not worship in true admiration.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

He Never Changes

He never changes, but I; well I am always changing. I'm so high, I'm so low. I'm so hot, I'm so cold. So young, so old. I'm at peace, I'm at war. I want less, but I want more. I want it all, but I'm not even sure what its for. I thank Him for loving me just the same, every day. His love never changes. When will ours?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Live in Love

"Retire to pray when you can and live the rest of your day in love." Fenelon

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


"So to strip self-love of its mask is the most humiliating punishment that can be inflicted. You see that you are no longer as wise, patient, polite, self-possessed, and courageous in sacrificing yourself for others as you had imagined. You are no longer fed by the belief that you need nothing. You no longer think that... your greatness and generosity deserve a better name than self-love. However, you are further tormented because you also weep and rage that you have cried at all. What your old nature fears the most is necessary for its destruction."- Fenelon

Tuesday, June 1, 2010